In a series that aims to capture
coming-out stories across b-schools, this is the first brave entry. Why
anonymous, you wonder? Because, as the interviewee points out,
coming-out to yourself and close ones is as much of a milestone as letting the entire world know. Little-by-little, and one person at a time, so that you can be comfortable being in your element while sharing your most vulnerable details. A refreshing alternative to the more extroverted version of declaring one's sexual preferences. Read on.
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My journey has been quite pleasant. I realized my sexuality around the time I hit puberty. I'm a reserved person by nature and do not feel the need to relay this personal trait about me to everyone I meet or know, so I have not yet had many instances where I had to defend myself for my sexuality. Even if someone remarks or comments something about it, I stand up for myself if the person is willing to listen, otherwise I just simply ignore. However, such sour experiences have been very few. Thanks to God, I have been blessed with people around me who don't judge. That's a gift I am most grateful for.
What does coming out mean to you?
It simply means freeing yourself. How long can a person hide such an important fact about him or her? It's proven that our sexuality is not something we can change. When we come out, we rid ourselves of the unwanted responsibility of keeping a terrible secret we have been hiding for so long.
Also, I think we all owe it to ourselves to try our best to be happy and content. Life, as it is, throws enough curve balls at us. Why add more to our sufferings by refusing to acknowledge who we are?
How has Social Conditioning made it worse?
Personally, it makes it worse for me through the way of my parents. I know I can handle the hatred and judgements. But this social conditioning surpasses me and extends beyond to my parents. We all are highly indebted to each of our parents who go through all the pain and hardships in the world for us. All we want to do is to try and repay them. It hurts to know that they will have to struggle again for me. I don't want to cause them any more discomfort, but this policing adds another entry in the long list of battles they fight for us.
What's your story of 'coming out'?
I don't have a story per se. I have not explicitly told anyone. If someone asks, I tell them. But I haven't had a meeting or dialogue of sorts to tell people about it.
How do you feel after 'coming out'?
It's not very different frankly. Mostly so because I never think otherwise. What else could I do, not come out? I never thought that was the option. I have never hidden this fact about me but never did broadcast it either. That's why there's no particular day that I recall as the day I came out. So it's difficult for me to say how different it is from how it previously was.
Why is this awareness important in business schools and colleges?
This awareness is important in order to develop tolerance and acceptance as human beings. These graduates will become influential people and can help in shaping the general sentiment about alternative sexualities in the country and the world. So this awareness will help in ensuring that the sentiment is of inclusion and oneness and not of hatred and malice against others who do not conform to the general societal norms of sexuality.
Besides that, how does it help if we discriminate on basis of sexualities? People might agree or disagree about which is the more 'natural' orientation, but they can't contest by saying that a particular orientation is more productive or efficient. If someone is gay, lesbian, bisexual or anything else, as long as he or she is good at what he or she does, why should he or she be discriminated against. If students are made aware, they will realise that a good employee or co-worker is simply just that through his or her hard work and perseverance, and not by his preferences. And as long as they accept this and members of other sexualities are given enough opportunities to excel in their professions, that solves more than half of the problems.
How does being defined by sexuality affect your mental health?
Personally, it doesn't affect me. As I said, I have been fortunate to have understanding people around me. But I can't say the same for everyone. I am born and brought up in a well off family. I am well educated and self-sufficient. I understand my privilege and it's unfair on my part to dilute the gravity of this question by giving a plain response. I am more than aware of the fact that those who haven't had the opportunities that I did will definitely be adversely affected mentally by being tagged or branded based on their sexuality.
What does it mean to love yourself and others?
It means to let them be who they want to be and let them do what they want to do. There is something called as the 'harm principle' by John Stuart Mill which defines freedom. It says you do not put any constraints unless the action causes extreme harm to anyone. Similarly, if you love someone, you do not constrain them unless you know their actions will gravely harm someone.
What can others do to make the journey better for you?
Personally, love all and accept all. There are much more heinous things happening in India and the world such as rapes, hate crimes, corruption, smuggling and terrorism to be concerned about who someone is sleeping with.
Professionally, do not rob someone of an opportunity based on their sexuality. A good gay employee is better for the business than an average straight employee.
A message for everyone
For people who question their own orientation, give it time and you will figure it out. If you have done so already, be glad and accept it. If you face any hardships in any form, keep your head high and your will strong.
For those who question others' orientation, I'm pretty sure you have other things to do in life. Do those instead and everyone will be much happier.
*If you have a story to share on similar lines, reach out to us at
nidhi.malkan@insideiim.com or at
abhi362000@yahoo.co.uk