As far as I can remember and dive deep into the past, I can gladly say that for the better part of my life, it has been a breeze, but like they say, it isn’t a smooth sailing road ahead, and with all the ups comes a down. And it was just the time for my downswing to strike. It hit me out of nowhere like a hurricane, there were warning signs, but like any other person, I believed ignorance is bliss. That was a rookie mistake.
The timing for the downswing in my life came at a place where I was emotionally vulnerable and honestly a little lost. Six months deep into a break year, I wondered to myself why I was even doing this in the first place. I remember almost giving up, so close to my dream, just because of my inhibitions and my insecurities, and feeling so low, that I didn’t even want to attend the exam that I had been preparing for all this while, the major reason for the gap year.
Here I am thinking to myself, “I can’t do this, I wasn’t made for this” all the while, knowing that it was self-doubt gnawing on my confidence and leeching off me. To add on top of that, watching all of my friends move ahead with their life, and people landing jobs, their dream jobs, here I am, sitting in my room, reading the same books that I had read, preparing for the same exam that I had given earlier, with no guarantee that I would make it through even this time.
To add insult to injury, I remember going to a friend’s house, and her father gasping and saying “I can’t believe you took a gap year, I would never allow my daughter to do so, even if that means settling for something less. A gap year is digging your own grave and willingly burying yourself in it, with no way of coming out” I argued – “No I actually chose to do this; this was my plan all along” . He continued to belittle my efforts by saying – “I can’t believe your parents let you dig your own grave, do you even have a back-up? You know I always tell management graduates, being too ambitious, kills” And thus from a decision I had taken, and was prepared for, I began the downward spiral towards self-doubt and full blown panic. This was just the eye of the storm, I started questioning every little thing I did, every word I said, every little move I made, because I thought I had messed up. And I was being too ambitious and it would lead to my downfall. Add that to the fear of math and CAT being the exam which requires Mathematical proficiency. I had reached a level of “I don’t want to do this anymore; this is not meant for me”
To quote the greatest super villain of my generation the Great Titan- Thanos, “Dread it, run from it, destiny still arrives." – (Marvel’s The Avenger – Infinity War) and just like Thanos said, Destiny did arrive, and I felt under prepared, it turned my legs to jelly. Being an avid music lover, I found my form of expression in the song “The Climb” – By Miley Cyrus, that my twelve-year-old self would belt out completely of tune without any fear of judgement, to pump myself to face the biggest challenge, back then and I guess the habit lived on. To quote a few lines of the song, it says
“ I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head sayin'
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make feels lost with no direction
My faith is shakin'
But I, I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high”
Sitting in a blanket in the dead of the night, with this song blasting through the tiny earphones, I felt like I had to give it one last shot no matter what anyone said, I think that rush that I felt made me believe again. I think music has power to inspire but only if the will comes from within. I just had to push one last mile, and jump, take that leap of faith and trust myself enough to know I would soar high, and not let anyone else’s standards measure my dreams. So here I am writing for a b-school, I fought tooth and nail to get into. Just because I had the will to take the leap of faith and trust myself to fly.