Adversity is essential.
Obstacles do not limit you.
Wonder why?
On the surface these statements may not make much sense. It is only in retrospect that you realise that nothing molds character like adversity and obstacles let you break free. After all, what’s life without a struggle?
When adversity hits you, it hits you harder than anything else. It is that moment of absolute helplessness that can break every bit of you. When I had my moment last year, I was absolutely exhausted of my capabilities.
In early 2018, I had developed a mild form of anxiety, stemming from nothing but idleness and feelings of inadequacy. At first, I never realised the magnitude of this. I never thought that in a few months, I would stand to lose my sense of self, and every single pillar of confidence, ability, passion, and faith that I had built my foundation on. What appeared mild at first, soon grew to be an inevitable part of my thinking process. Sleepless nights, excessive thoughts, stress and weakness had taken its toll on me. It had created a vacuum that had unfortunately robbed me of my ability to believe.
Months into this, and the tunnel still seemed dark until one day it dawned upon me that I cannot let this be the way it is. In 5 months, I was due to write the most important set of exams in my life and it was a make it or break it. I knew it was a tough one to climb, but I knew I would do it anyway. Gathering myself, I moved forward to fight against something that I would not ever want to make mine. I told myself, that I would definitely do away with this and hence, began the process of doing and undoing.
I noted down everything that induced my anxiety and everything that didn’t. I rebuilt my core value system, and backed myself. At this point, no one knew what I was going through. I could have seen a therapist but I told myself that if there’s anyone that can re-instate my faith in myself, it has to be me. I knew that if I can tide over this by myself I know I would have re-instated what I had lost.
I put myself through absolute friction, unlearning and undoing patterns of thinking that I had developed. Meditation, writing journals and practicing mindfulness helped me the most.
Backing yourself is the greatest good you can do, and I did just that. I put my hours into preparing myself for my entrances. The work was tough, especially when I was also dealing with my anxiety. It took time, but I did notice improvements. Everything was gradually getting better.
Exams were round the corner, and even though I hadn’t scored well in my mocks, I told myself that on the D-Day, I can still do it.
The eventual outcome of an 87.4% in my first ever CAT attempt held an emotion I cannot express in words. Clearing selection rounds of TAPMI, and getting into a top class B-school was more than what I had expected of myself but I’m grateful that I was able to do it.
Challenges, adversities, and obstacles might take you down a troublesome path, but how you manage to still reach your destination is what makes the difference.
After all this struggle, I can proudly say that I was the biggest failure of my life.
However, I feel happy to proclaim that I’m also my biggest success.